I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
