and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
