Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
