I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
