He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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