she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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