I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
