he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
