What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
