I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
