Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
