i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Boobs speak an international language.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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