Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
