Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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