I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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