Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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