got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
