his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
