A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
