i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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