Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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