my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
