dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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