Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
