I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
