I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
