Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
