it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
