He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize
