Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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