Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Text me some of your sweat
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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