Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
