Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
