you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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