turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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