Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
