This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
