I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
