I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
