It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
