Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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