After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
