So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
