Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
