He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
