i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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