Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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