Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
whose ass print is on the piano?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
