Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
