my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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