I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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